Around 1:10AM, Iris called me and we talked for about 3 1/2 hours until about 4:50AM. In that conversation I gave her the senerio, if Terbo lived down here, and you wern't with either of us, but both of us liked you. Who would you want to be with? She chose her. My heart dropped, I found myself laying on my bed, with tears pouring from my eyes. I haven't been able to cry like that for awhile. Her, she chose her. The reasons for that, they know eachother better, and Terbo doesn't cut, drink, or do drugs because she know Iris get's hurt by it. Well, shit I can do that to. She says Terbo cares more about her. Well, shit she still keeps talking to her like she wants those feelings to come back. She says she tries not to think about it. But I remember when she was with Terbo, how she would tell me that she misses me, she probably misses Terbo to. Man, I don't want to be Iris's second best, I don't want to be the girl she, "settled" for. God, all I feel like doing, is pushing her away from me. Something like that really fucking hurt me, I don't want to be hurt again. I told her I really really didn't want to break up with her, and the only reason I would, is because of Terbo. Want do I have to do, to show her how much I care?! Scream it at the top of my lungs, what? I feel so useless, like she's just using me, because she can't have Terbo here. If Terbo was here, she'd be with her, NOT ME. Not me, not me, not me, not me. I want to slit my wrists, but I can't because of Iris, I don't want to make her sad. But then I think, would it even matter? She'd still like Terbo more, no matter what I do or say. I could sit there, writting a song, scremaing, poetry, or something to show her that I care about her, but she still wouldn't hear what I was saying.

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me and Iris talked on the phone for 4 hours last night.
i don't know why i used to tell her i didn't like talking on the phone.
i didn't want to hang-up last night, i was just really fucking tired.
and it's like, physically impossible for me to fall asleep on the phone.

then, she tells me that...well, i don't remember word for word.
but something about me not being that great of a kisser.
yeah, that hurt a lot.
she was like, "well that doesn't matter."
meh, i dunno why it does to me so much.
probably because..i dunno, i find kissing a big part of a relationship.
like if you feel something for the person, or not.
and i DEFINATLY feel something when i kiss her.
she says the same thing.
but it's like, how can she feel something if i'm not that great of a kisser?
i just don't see how that's possible.

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me and Iris are back together.
yay.
hehe, i'm all happy.
but i miss her.

i really hope it last this time.
i'm trying to do better.

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